Right now the world is contradictions. I want to be as far away as possible from what happened, to be able to forget that awful night and those surreal first days after Miguel’s sudden death. Yet, when I sense the time I had with my sweet baby floating further away, my heart cries out and my brain rushes for any memory of him possible.
Memories of the way he looked when he was just waking up.
The way he laughed and giggled every time I changed his diaper, from the moment I laid him on the changing table, for Lord only knows what reason.
The way he was completely enchanted when looking at himself in the mirror.
The way he scrunched up his tiny button nose when he started to cry every time I used the blender.
The way he watched with delight whenever his big brother walked in the room.
But I remember him in everything, in every place, and sometimes wish I weren’t reminded at every turn of the deep loss and ache in my heart. Contradictions.
Contradictions. So many plans a person has for the future, but only if God is willing. Missing the times that were and aching for all of the things that will never be. Thinking of how old he would have been now, what he would have been doing, learning, delighting us with. Past. Future. And the inevitable question: Now what?
How glad I would be to have an answer to that question, but it just isn’t ready to be answered. The wound is still to raw, the break to fragile to bear any weight.
But God is faithful. And in Him we can know that there is no contradiction. We can have faith, can wake up in the morning and get out of bed knowing that beauty WILL rise from the ashes, that joy comes in the morning, that He really does work for the good of those who love Him. We can start new things, make new plans, knowing that the Lord of the Universe is directing them, and wait to see what He will do.
We can remember our days with Miguel with joy, being thankful for each one. Look forward to seeing his sweet face again in paradise. Praise God that Miguel is fulfilled and perfect in love and will know no more pain, sadness or sin.
And we let love grow - love past and love that will come in the future. Love is a risky business, as I know now more now than ever, but I also know that it’s worth it. To say the least. Every single child who lives in my home, whether for a few days or the rest of their lives, was bought with blood of Christ on the cross. In the context of that price, my sacrifice is really no sacrifice at all; the risk not all that risky. Contradictions fade away when we take in account the promises God has for us, that above all, He is faithful.
|How we miss you sweet boy|
|Alex took a picture of Miguel and I - how could we have known it would be the last?|
|A surprise dinner with my ministry family who wanted to celebrate my birthday as hard as it was|
|At a friend's wedding in Rosarito|
|A new pastime: a sewing class taught by a friend has been a breath of fresh air|
|A new car: we traded the old faithful Jeep that has been doing little more than rusting in the past few years for a car that fits our needs and gets better gas mileage|