Reading through people's comments, I realize that I may be sending out a somewhat unbalanced view of, well, me. I thank you all for caring about us, and for saying so, though that was not what I was looking for in writing that.
I can just about hear what runs through someone's mind when they read what I write; can read it written in between the lines in the comments. 'What would I do in her situation? Would I be able to keep focused spiritually like that, would I grieve in hope if I lost someone I loved so much, a child, a parent, sibling, friend?' or, 'That is not how I am handling/have handled that situation at all...'
We as humans have a need to categorize everything, in order to create some kind of semblance and order in our world. We all label because we need to, and then we compare. Comparing yourself to someone else is generally a bad idea, since we are all individually and specifically created, but when it comes to some things it can be downright dangerous. In physical traits and aspects, but in spiritual qualities especially. We are marginally surprised when we hear someone has fallen into some kind of sin, but when it is someone we considered 'above that' we are shocked and dismayed. We have this idea of people being spiritual giants, especially when the title 'missionary' comes into play, and berate ourselves for not being at a similar 'level', or not good enough for God to use like He seems to be using someone else.
So, in an attempt to be transparent (and hopefully more relatable), what I would like to be clear is that I am not feeling this calm, benevolent peace all day long. I often wake up in the night in a panic and check to make sure Alex is still breathing. I think about what happened and wonder, was it a mistake to take Miguel in the first place? Am I going in the wrong direction?
I think of every time I didn't appreciate every moment with him and wonder, is this some kind of punishment?
I think about the future and question whether this is really the path I am supposed to be taking. Is my heart to give these kids a home and family wrong?
I ask God, "WHERE WERE YOU THAT NIGHT??? Of all the prayers You could have answered, why not the one I prayed in such desperation? WHY God?"
The thing is, no matter what we do, no matter what title we have, we are all just human. A sinful species, wandering about the earth trying to make sense of it all, striving to know God. The important thing, then, is to remember the truth that we believe, even when we don't feel it. Words and feelings are powerful, and when you write them down see them in front of you it's like reading about yourself from someone else's point of view. While writing the last few posts I realized that I also needed to include the truth, something that I definitely know and believe but don't necessarily live in 24/7.
Reading my own thoughts brings me back to God's promises, because without them the story was just too sad, the situation unbearable. Everyone knows that you can't write half a story, all the parts need to be included. So even though I can have the answers to some of my questions, (I know this is no punishment, that my hearts desire was given to me by God, that He directs my path, and that He is always with me and never forsakes me) I also know that I may never have answers to the others, and that I am just going to have to live with that. That this is what changes us, grows us, and helps us love a little more like He does.
So, that's the whole story. I'm broken, weak and weary.
And favoured, set apart, and loved.
Blessed be the Name of the Lord.
(see how that works? :)